So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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