The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
