It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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