she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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