I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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