I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How external is "for external use only"?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize