Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize