Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
