Banned from zoo.
Again?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
