Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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