I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
