No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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