She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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