Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
