the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
