My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
