My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
