I wish I only lived at night.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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