he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
