guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
