but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
