Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
