Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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