Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
