when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
