Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
