my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
