You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
