i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize