At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
