Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
