I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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