Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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