I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
