I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
