You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
