i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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