Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
