his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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