drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just invented taco cereal.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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