Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You need Xanax blowdarts
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
