Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
