you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
