Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
