Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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