If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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