i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
