fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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