it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
