I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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