That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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