Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize