She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
