How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
