And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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