Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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