I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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